Being emotionally sensitive can suck!

I have been very emotionally sensitive lately. It has been a roller coaster. I have been watching a TV show and crying because something awful happens, or something touching happen. I will cry at commercials and even reading a book can be a tear jerking experience. I just want to relax, but my emotions are ruling my life. I am just exhausted.

I can't believe it's been 10 years.

We all have days that are significant to us in some ways. Some of us have more than others. Some of us only have a few, but they can cause us joy or pain when they roll around. We have anniversaries of when we are born, when friends or family are born, when we get married, when we have kids or get animals, or experience things that impact us. Today (December 13^th) marks a very significant day for me.

Exactly 10 years ago today my dad passed away. He and I were incredibly close and it impacted me incredibly. This day for years has typically been a very sad one. I spent a few of them crying, a few numb, and some I barely remember. Only last year was the first one that I didn’t feel like crying or sad the entire day. Many thoughts of the things I will never have or will miss out on always pop up. I will never be walked down the aisle by my dad if I get married. I will never see my father play with grandkids when (or if) I have any. I can’t have a conversation with him. I don’t get to sit and lay my head on his chest and listen to the noises his stomach made and laugh at them.

That’s not to say that I don’t still feel sad. Losing my dad was hard and then four years later at 12:15 in the morning on the same day as dad passed I lost the first cat I ever had that was mine, Cuddles. She was 19 years old when she passed. I was 5 years old when I was given her from my mom who found her on the street. So I am still trying to get used to my dad passing on that day and she passes in my mom’s arms. In retrospect I am glad she made it long enough to die on the same day. It was like she died then on purpose so I would only have one day to be depressed. I wish I could ask her, but that wouldn’t be possible anyway. I get to chose to believe it.

On this, the tenth and sixth anniversary of their deaths respectively, I am happy to say that now I spend more time remembering and celebrating their lives on this day. It took some time for the thought process to start to change, but it has. I can finally remember them and the memories don’t automatically make me cry. I have started a few small traditions to honor him on this day. I listen to the music he taught me to love. Watch animated movies that he would love, or did love. This is the one day of the year that I am willing to drink beer, which I am not really fond of. I extended the tradition I already have of watching The Nightmare Before Christmas on Halloween and Christmas Eve to watching it today as well.

I am trying to take the thought process even further and make a life for myself. I am working on it right now, but the process is going to take a while. I feel like my dad would be sad to see me where I have been lately. I didn’t start making this change until September of this year. I am getting a handle on my mental health and finally working on getting myself the help I need. I hope he would be proud of me. I am learning how to stand up for myself which has always been hard for me. I have a way to go, but I am pretty proud how far I have gotten in just 3 months.

I admit that today I am under the weather so I am having trouble not crying, but that’s OK too. It’s understandable. I am working on some gifts for people and relaxing as much as I can. Today is a day to take care of myself. It just took 10 years to learn that. And if you read all of this I want to say thank you.

Down my emotional rabbit hole.

In 2012 I was diagnosed with Major Depression and Generalized as well as Social Anxiety. It has been a long hard battle that I have been dealing with for well over 10 years. I was placed in the hospital in early 2001 and once again in 2006 and still hadn't gotten the right diagnosis. Now I am 30 and only have had a diagnosis for 3 years. Knowing is half the battle and the diagnosis finally feels right.

In the past month or so I have been sliding deeper into my depression. I have the occasional good day, but it seems that more and more I have trouble being positive. For the first time since my dad died I feel myself slipping into that place where you either feel like doing absolutely nothing or you feel like doing everything at once. I have talked to my doctor and we have adjusted my medications, but it takes time.

My anxiety is my real problem lately. I can deal with being depressed, maybe it's easier as an introvert. I normally still function when depressed, but my anxiety has hit an all time high so bad my normal coping mechanisms seem less effective. I cannot seem to stop feeling like someone is going to get me, or that people judge me so much I don't want to do anything in public anymore. One word can set me off even if wasn't meant to be taken "the wrong way".

I am also incredibly hostile. I can't always tell if people are being nice, polite, genuine, or sarcastic as well as normal and any criticism sets off my fight response rather violently. I get angry enough to see red and it's not fun. I try to avoid situations and people that might trigger this but even my cat not moving when I push on her will piss me off enough that I want to break something. I am not a violent person by nature so that alarms me.

Don't even get me started on the things that make me cry uncontrollably. Someone dies on TV and I cry for hours. A cute animal plays with something or does something cute, I also cry for an hour. On a really bad day the simple fact that I am awake can send me on a crying jag. I don't even know what all my triggers are, so I can't always avoid the things that will set me off.

I don't know if anyone will read this, but maybe if gives you an idea of where I am right now. If I don't get back to you right away or am short with you, it's not because I am ignoring you or anything like that; I just can't deal with life right now. I am trying, but failing. Just give me some space and I will work myself back around to functional when I can.

Work in progress...

I am working on this page. It might look very similar to how it does now, but there could be changes. I am working on several things on several blogs and on several websites, so it may take a few days, but I will get to it, I promise.

I am trying to get some routines in my life, but not there yet...

Soon I am going to have more regular posts on here. Right now I am so exhausted and keep passing out for long periods. I am focusing on getting things set up for my mom to have surgery and I seem to not be able to find enough hours in the day.

Time to get myself sorted for a few errands and then pass out, again.

Time to evolve and change things up.

I haven't used this site much and I will be changing that soon. I have lots of things I want to get out of my head and out in the world, so I will be using this page as a way to do that. 

I will first be revamping the setup and design and getting it to a look that I like enough to stick with. Next I will write up some things that I want to share and schedule them and make a decision on if I post once a week or more, and on what days. 

Lastly I will share links on my FB and twitter accounts. I hope that somebody finds this blog and reads it every once and a while. I just need a place to let some thoughts, feelings and opinions out of myself so I can move on to thinking about other things and make room in my head.

Thank you,

DemonKiTTiE

I'm a bit new...

Well, I am going to give this a try. See how it goes.