Down my emotional rabbit hole.

In 2012 I was diagnosed with Major Depression and Generalized as well as Social Anxiety. It has been a long hard battle that I have been dealing with for well over 10 years. I was placed in the hospital in early 2001 and once again in 2006 and still hadn't gotten the right diagnosis. Now I am 30 and only have had a diagnosis for 3 years. Knowing is half the battle and the diagnosis finally feels right.

In the past month or so I have been sliding deeper into my depression. I have the occasional good day, but it seems that more and more I have trouble being positive. For the first time since my dad died I feel myself slipping into that place where you either feel like doing absolutely nothing or you feel like doing everything at once. I have talked to my doctor and we have adjusted my medications, but it takes time.

My anxiety is my real problem lately. I can deal with being depressed, maybe it's easier as an introvert. I normally still function when depressed, but my anxiety has hit an all time high so bad my normal coping mechanisms seem less effective. I cannot seem to stop feeling like someone is going to get me, or that people judge me so much I don't want to do anything in public anymore. One word can set me off even if wasn't meant to be taken "the wrong way".

I am also incredibly hostile. I can't always tell if people are being nice, polite, genuine, or sarcastic as well as normal and any criticism sets off my fight response rather violently. I get angry enough to see red and it's not fun. I try to avoid situations and people that might trigger this but even my cat not moving when I push on her will piss me off enough that I want to break something. I am not a violent person by nature so that alarms me.

Don't even get me started on the things that make me cry uncontrollably. Someone dies on TV and I cry for hours. A cute animal plays with something or does something cute, I also cry for an hour. On a really bad day the simple fact that I am awake can send me on a crying jag. I don't even know what all my triggers are, so I can't always avoid the things that will set me off.

I don't know if anyone will read this, but maybe if gives you an idea of where I am right now. If I don't get back to you right away or am short with you, it's not because I am ignoring you or anything like that; I just can't deal with life right now. I am trying, but failing. Just give me some space and I will work myself back around to functional when I can.