I can't believe it's been 10 years.

We all have days that are significant to us in some ways. Some of us have more than others. Some of us only have a few, but they can cause us joy or pain when they roll around. We have anniversaries of when we are born, when friends or family are born, when we get married, when we have kids or get animals, or experience things that impact us. Today (December 13^th) marks a very significant day for me.

Exactly 10 years ago today my dad passed away. He and I were incredibly close and it impacted me incredibly. This day for years has typically been a very sad one. I spent a few of them crying, a few numb, and some I barely remember. Only last year was the first one that I didn’t feel like crying or sad the entire day. Many thoughts of the things I will never have or will miss out on always pop up. I will never be walked down the aisle by my dad if I get married. I will never see my father play with grandkids when (or if) I have any. I can’t have a conversation with him. I don’t get to sit and lay my head on his chest and listen to the noises his stomach made and laugh at them.

That’s not to say that I don’t still feel sad. Losing my dad was hard and then four years later at 12:15 in the morning on the same day as dad passed I lost the first cat I ever had that was mine, Cuddles. She was 19 years old when she passed. I was 5 years old when I was given her from my mom who found her on the street. So I am still trying to get used to my dad passing on that day and she passes in my mom’s arms. In retrospect I am glad she made it long enough to die on the same day. It was like she died then on purpose so I would only have one day to be depressed. I wish I could ask her, but that wouldn’t be possible anyway. I get to chose to believe it.

On this, the tenth and sixth anniversary of their deaths respectively, I am happy to say that now I spend more time remembering and celebrating their lives on this day. It took some time for the thought process to start to change, but it has. I can finally remember them and the memories don’t automatically make me cry. I have started a few small traditions to honor him on this day. I listen to the music he taught me to love. Watch animated movies that he would love, or did love. This is the one day of the year that I am willing to drink beer, which I am not really fond of. I extended the tradition I already have of watching The Nightmare Before Christmas on Halloween and Christmas Eve to watching it today as well.

I am trying to take the thought process even further and make a life for myself. I am working on it right now, but the process is going to take a while. I feel like my dad would be sad to see me where I have been lately. I didn’t start making this change until September of this year. I am getting a handle on my mental health and finally working on getting myself the help I need. I hope he would be proud of me. I am learning how to stand up for myself which has always been hard for me. I have a way to go, but I am pretty proud how far I have gotten in just 3 months.

I admit that today I am under the weather so I am having trouble not crying, but that’s OK too. It’s understandable. I am working on some gifts for people and relaxing as much as I can. Today is a day to take care of myself. It just took 10 years to learn that. And if you read all of this I want to say thank you.